Being Misunderstood… and Choosing to Keep Walking
· Being
When effort doesn't match perception and intention gets lost in translation — a reflection on the quiet weight of leadership and learning what's actually yours to carry.
[quote:Your reaction to me is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to be true to myself. — Gay Hendricks]
The Life You Choose… Comes With a Voice Back
I've chosen to live a lot of my life out loud. Not everything, but a lot of it. Through podcasts, writing, conversations, and showing up online in ways that feel honest and human. And I don't apologize for that. It's part of my work. It's part of building a brand. It's part of trying to lead in a world that feels increasingly disconnected.
But that choice comes with something real. Feedback.
More of it than most people receive. More interpretations, more assumptions, more perspectives about who I am, how I show up, and what people think I meant. And I don't do this for praise. That can't be the goal. This is part of the responsibility of being visible.
Because when you choose to be seen, people will form opinions. Some will be right. Some won't. And I keep coming back to this line:
[quote:What other people think of you is none of your business. — Terry Cole-Whittaker]
It doesn't mean it doesn't matter at all. It just means… you don't get to control it.
The Meetings That Stay With You
I've had several meetings over my career that all begin the same way. The kind you don't plan to remember. Coffee that's been sitting out too long. A few people half-present, half somewhere else. Nothing significant.
Until it is. Because somewhere in the conversation, someone starts describing you. And here's something I've intentionally tried to create as a leader at Rule29… space for that.
I've wanted a culture where people feel safe enough to tell me things that don't feel great to hear. Where feedback is honest, not filtered. Where people can challenge me, even if it's uncomfortable. So I've sat in those meetings and listened. Really listened.
And there have been moments… where what was shared didn't match reality as I experienced it.
When Effort and Perception Don't Match
There have been seasons where I've gone out of my way for someone on the team. I mean really showed up. Late nights. Hard conversations. Carrying things home I probably shouldn't have. Even losing sleep trying to figure out how to support, encourage, or help someone grow.
And then… sitting in a meeting and hearing that same situation described in a way that felt completely opposite. Where care was seen as absence. Where effort was seen as indifference. Where intention got lost somewhere along the way.
And if I'm honest, those are the moments that hit the hardest. Not because I need credit. But because there's a gap between what you gave… and what was received.
The Quiet Weight of Leadership
That's the part of leadership people don't always talk about. There are moments it feels incredibly meaningful. And there are moments it feels incredibly lonely.
Moments where you step back and think: Did I miss something? Did I not show up the way I thought I did? Why does this feel so far from what I intended?
And sometimes… if you're really honest… Why in the heck did I even show up today? Not in a defeated way. Just in a real, human way.
Why This Happens More Than We Think
This isn't just about leadership. It's about how we're wired. Psychology shows us that people don't experience reality the same way, even when they're in the exact same moment.
We filter everything through our own lens. Our past experiences. Our expectations. Our current emotional state. There's something called confirmation bias, where we look for evidence to support what we already believe. And thin slicing, where we make quick judgments based on small pieces of information.
So two people can walk through the same situation… and walk away with completely different stories.
Why Growth Creates Friction
And here's where it gets even more complex. As you grow… as you become more intentional… as you define who you want to be instead of just reacting to life…
You create disruption.
Research in family systems theory shows that when one person changes, the system around them often resists. Not because people are against you, but because they're used to the version of you they've always known. So when you lead differently… communicate differently… show up differently… you will feel pushback. Not because you're wrong.
But because you're different.
The Gap Between Intention and Perception
There's a line from Brené Brown:
[quote:Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. — Brené Brown]
And I think a lot of misunderstanding lives in that gap. Between what we intend… and what others experience. Sometimes that gap is mine to own.
But sometimes… it isn't. Sometimes it belongs to the other person's expectations, their lens, their story. And learning to tell the difference… that's the work.
What's Actually Yours to Carry
This is where something from Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks has grounded me. Taking 100% responsibility. But not for everything.
Just for what's mine.
My intentions. My actions. My willingness to grow. Not someone else's perception of me. Not the story they created from a moment they didn't fully see. And not the version of me they wish I still was.
That's not mine to carry.